The Matthew Smith Show

After I washed my hands, I threw the paper towel into the trash can and knocked in another paper towel hanging over the edge. A guy walked in and said “Nice shot.” I said “Thanks. I play Angry Birds.”

“I got very lucky. Luck plays a big, big part in the kind of success I’ve had. They say you have to make your own luck, but I’m not too sure of that, sometimes. There are a lot of people I know who had the same determination I had, followed the same path and threw their lot into the music business without going to university, and didn’t end up making a successful living playing music. They were thereafter stuck in jobs which were fairly hand-to-mouth. They were not doing what they could have done with their lives if they had continued with their studies. 

“It’s absolutely not a course I would recommend to anyone,unless you were absolutely 110 percent convinced that your passion was something you had to do and you would be willing to forsake a lot of other things for it.”

-David Gilmour; Pink Floyd guitarist, vocalist, and songwriter.

The subtle word combos people use to make you think you should know things that it’s perfectly okay not to know:

1. “Well, you probably already know this, but…”
2. “You’re a smart person, so I don’t have to tell you this, but…”
3. “I’m sure that, by now, you already know…”
4. Ending the statement with “… but I’m sure you already knew that.”
5. If you’re ocd about odd-numbered lists, here you go.

SURELY, you’ve heard these, before (see what I just did?). And the crux of the whole thing was just some random factoid you’d never heard in your life—or something you vaguely remember from a footnote in chapter one of a textbook you read for class you dropped—yet this person is telling you of it like it’s on a standardized test. It’s likely these were the game show trivia nerds who skipped so many class in college they had plenty of time to write walkthroughs for multiplayer Counterstrike.

You wanted to say:

“No, actually I didn’t know that, and neither do most people. You’re among the one percent of people anyone knows who knows that.” [And you know how people feel about one-percenters.]

But you probably said:

“Uh… well yeah! Psh, duh! Of course I knew that. Who doesn’t know that? It’s 2011, right? Ha, yeah.  I mean… I read it in … a book, somewhere. Actually, my brother… you know, he majored in that, and I think he told me about it… whateveryoujustsaid. *cough* That.”

One day, we’ll have to explain to our children and grandchildren why it was ever okay to call white tank tops “wifebeaters.” 

I’ve heard of such things. I don’t understand them, or those who keep this industry running. I would much rather have a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies than a candle to remind me that I have no warm chocolate chip cookies. What a tease.